(no subject)

squarepusher cancelled his tour due to illness, but it seems that plaid and mira calix are playing some of the dates without him at a lower ticket price. the show is tomorrow night (work day, ugh!), but i think i just might go anyway. so few good shows come around to the colorado area... and i've never seen an electronica show before, (i mean like without vocals...)

i had a dream the other night that i was dressed up as a woman, and i was fairly irritated that people were making such a big deal about it: there were the two extremes, people hatefully saying, "oh, you're a faggot!!", and then supposedly 'accepting' people saying, "it's so great you've accepted your true nature as a transvestite," implying that now i have this role as a transvestite that i now have to be when i'm around those people.

i've never had any desire to dress up as a woman, but i don't see anything wrong with it either. so i have no idea what that dream is about. i suppose it could have been about frustration at being thrust into identities against my will.
"you crush me with an image of myself that's anything but real" -- m. gira.

(no subject)

i was thinking earlier today that my problem is that since my breakdown that i've been especially disassociated from everything, that things are just floating by, and that i'd better try to reconnect, try to fix that...

but i thought about it some more, and i realize that being disconnected from my surroundings isn't the same as being disconnected from reality.
i also realized that i don't need to go "fixing" anything, i can just accept myself, and let all the other crap take care of itself.
why on earth would i want to reconnect with all of my surrounding bullshit? let the shitstorm rage all around me, just let it go.
why do i think that how i am isn't right? i can be as disconnected as i want to be. i could be an apparition. why is that wrong? answer: it's not. the part of me that thinks there's something wrong with that is operating on assumptions based on conditioning from a system that i know doesn't work.