![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Day 21, rest day
Sep. 1st, 2018 11:51 pmWent out to the farmer's market, which was a little stressful because things were marked up a lot higher than they used to be.
When we got back home, the big project was cleaning out the refrigerator. We're -- not good at emptying old things out of the fridge. There were some things in the back that had expiration dates back four years.
The flies and wasps at the compost pile were very pleased with this development.
We watched another episode of the third season of Fargo, which I'm not, so far, enjoying as much as the other two seasons.
I bundled up and laid out in the yard looking at the night sky. I could see the milky way, which is pretty rare out here, what with all the lights in town.
It's pretty bonkers being a monkey on a rock circling around a ball of gas, which is itself circling around something so dense we barely understand it, and no one knows why any of this works.
When we got back home, the big project was cleaning out the refrigerator. We're -- not good at emptying old things out of the fridge. There were some things in the back that had expiration dates back four years.
The flies and wasps at the compost pile were very pleased with this development.
We watched another episode of the third season of Fargo, which I'm not, so far, enjoying as much as the other two seasons.
I bundled up and laid out in the yard looking at the night sky. I could see the milky way, which is pretty rare out here, what with all the lights in town.
It's pretty bonkers being a monkey on a rock circling around a ball of gas, which is itself circling around something so dense we barely understand it, and no one knows why any of this works.
Eventful day.
This morning as we were getting ready for work, Nusch caught a mouse, a big adult. The whole thing happened right in front of me. It was impressive how she caught the prey. She doesn't catch them very often, but she's good at it when she does.
She trotted it into the living room then let it go & re-caught it several times before it got away and hid behind the couch. Eventually she caught it again, which I only found out after I re-entered the room and it was in mid-air, and landed dead with a tiny thud near my feet. She does like throwing them around. I let her play with it a little while then put the body on the compost pile outside for the flies and wasps. Nusch doesn't like eating mice.
Later we left for work, and ended up locking the door only to realize neither of us had our key. We had to break back into the house.
After a bit of thinking, we chose to remove the swamp cooler from the window and break in there. It was a lot easier than we expected. That was fortuitous, but also fairly disturbing, considering how the trustworthiness of the people in this town has fallen in our eyes. It's not a nice town anymore.
For our daily walk at 3:30, we noticed a new smoke plume in the foothills, looked like it was near the mouth of the Big Thompson canyon. A friend later confirmed this. Turns out a tanker with fire retardant was flying overhead, on the way to a fire in Wyoming, when it saw the fire start up. It dropped some of the retardant, and right after that a little rain passed over. We've been pretty lucky with fires this year. We're also not doing to bad with regard to drought compared with the rest of the state, but it's still pretty dry here.
The neighbor who's been having a nervous breakdown after her son left to join the military, she's been evicted from her apartment.
She's been setting up stuff in her yard for a yard sale this weekend. After we discussed it amongst ourselves, Carrie offered to take on her two cats and we'd house them in our basement. It would be better if they could stay with the neighbor, clearly. Who knows how this will all work out.
The mystery plant that's been growing in the front turns out to be purple aster. We've distributed lots of wildflower seeds in that patch for a long while, but nothing has been working out. This plant almost got pulled because it really REALLY looked like some sort of invasive weed, but we held off for just enough time, and finally a flower head opened up. We're pretty excited about that. There are three big, vigorous plants with tons of flower heads, so it should be a nice show of flowers.
Mood was generally plateaued out on a good level today. There were some tense times around the whole breaking in to our house thing and thinking about bringing cats into the house. (We're concerned about Lily's reaction to it - he's had such a stressful few years we want him to have some mellow and happy ones now. He's getting on in years.)
This morning as we were getting ready for work, Nusch caught a mouse, a big adult. The whole thing happened right in front of me. It was impressive how she caught the prey. She doesn't catch them very often, but she's good at it when she does.
She trotted it into the living room then let it go & re-caught it several times before it got away and hid behind the couch. Eventually she caught it again, which I only found out after I re-entered the room and it was in mid-air, and landed dead with a tiny thud near my feet. She does like throwing them around. I let her play with it a little while then put the body on the compost pile outside for the flies and wasps. Nusch doesn't like eating mice.
Later we left for work, and ended up locking the door only to realize neither of us had our key. We had to break back into the house.
After a bit of thinking, we chose to remove the swamp cooler from the window and break in there. It was a lot easier than we expected. That was fortuitous, but also fairly disturbing, considering how the trustworthiness of the people in this town has fallen in our eyes. It's not a nice town anymore.
For our daily walk at 3:30, we noticed a new smoke plume in the foothills, looked like it was near the mouth of the Big Thompson canyon. A friend later confirmed this. Turns out a tanker with fire retardant was flying overhead, on the way to a fire in Wyoming, when it saw the fire start up. It dropped some of the retardant, and right after that a little rain passed over. We've been pretty lucky with fires this year. We're also not doing to bad with regard to drought compared with the rest of the state, but it's still pretty dry here.
The neighbor who's been having a nervous breakdown after her son left to join the military, she's been evicted from her apartment.
She's been setting up stuff in her yard for a yard sale this weekend. After we discussed it amongst ourselves, Carrie offered to take on her two cats and we'd house them in our basement. It would be better if they could stay with the neighbor, clearly. Who knows how this will all work out.
The mystery plant that's been growing in the front turns out to be purple aster. We've distributed lots of wildflower seeds in that patch for a long while, but nothing has been working out. This plant almost got pulled because it really REALLY looked like some sort of invasive weed, but we held off for just enough time, and finally a flower head opened up. We're pretty excited about that. There are three big, vigorous plants with tons of flower heads, so it should be a nice show of flowers.
Mood was generally plateaued out on a good level today. There were some tense times around the whole breaking in to our house thing and thinking about bringing cats into the house. (We're concerned about Lily's reaction to it - he's had such a stressful few years we want him to have some mellow and happy ones now. He's getting on in years.)
Day 19, dose seven
Aug. 30th, 2018 12:45 pmTook the dose at 11.
Took just a little over 1/8 ts.
That familiar really pleasant warm feeling all over my body, lights a bit more "light" seeming (this is a normal effect that I've neglected to mention before), relaxed but distracted (also normal)
Made sure to take an amount closer to what I was taking before my experiment with 3/16 teaspoon.
Don't know if I'll continue with the hour by hour breakdown, it doesn't seem to be a huge change from dose to dose, and there's no especially big variations during the four hour window that the medicine is most effective. I hope there's a weekend day that's a dose day before the regime is done, because it does feel especially good to get exercise during that 4 hour window.
Honestly, I do wish I could just feel like I do during that 4-hour span all the time, it's pleasant and I feel more able to connect to life.
Took just a little over 1/8 ts.
That familiar really pleasant warm feeling all over my body, lights a bit more "light" seeming (this is a normal effect that I've neglected to mention before), relaxed but distracted (also normal)
Made sure to take an amount closer to what I was taking before my experiment with 3/16 teaspoon.
Don't know if I'll continue with the hour by hour breakdown, it doesn't seem to be a huge change from dose to dose, and there's no especially big variations during the four hour window that the medicine is most effective. I hope there's a weekend day that's a dose day before the regime is done, because it does feel especially good to get exercise during that 4 hour window.
Honestly, I do wish I could just feel like I do during that 4-hour span all the time, it's pleasant and I feel more able to connect to life.
Day 18, rest day
Aug. 29th, 2018 01:38 pmNusch kept me awake all night. Apparently a mouse got into the bedroom and she spent hours trying to get at it, then got Lily amped and they zoomed around the house. She didn't get the dang mouse though.
That abdominal pain didn't bother me at night, but then I woke up with a pain just under the center-bottom of my ribcage. Dull, bloated feeling pain like gas. Since it's in a different place, I'm guessing it must be trapped gas since it's moving around. Ugh. Wonder why I'm getting gas in the middle of the night.
That abdominal pain didn't bother me at night, but then I woke up with a pain just under the center-bottom of my ribcage. Dull, bloated feeling pain like gas. Since it's in a different place, I'm guessing it must be trapped gas since it's moving around. Ugh. Wonder why I'm getting gas in the middle of the night.
Yeah, so the dose was too high yesterday. It was not unpleasant, but it was pretty disorienting. Will definitely scale it back next time.
The effects of the medicine seem to be different every time, but I cannot say whether that is related to the dose size, or if it's about my own personal chemistry at the time of taking it, or an accumulation of the effects of the entire protocol up to that point.
Last night was a continuation of this dull ache in my right side, somewhere in my guts. It keeps kind of moving around, so I can't tell exactly where the pain is. It doesn't wake me up, but if I wake up, I notice it for certain, and worrying about it helps keep me awake. I wonder if it's something going on with my surgery scar in there. I had chalked it up before to overeating one day, as there was some gaseous stuff happening in there - maybe there was a mild bacterial infection from something I ate? Keeping an eye on it. Hope that resolves soon.
Feeling a little sleepy today - even though insomnia wasn't anything too out of the normal.
Settling into a new morning routine with Carrie's niece coming over before school. It's helping me wake up a little earlier, which is good. Nusch I think goes out & plays with the kid, then comes back and is reticent to go back out, like seems like she's a little afraid of playing with her too much? Maybe the kid gets a bit too intense or something, I guess? Anyway, so instead she sits on the bed with me and when I wake up she kneads biscuits into the pink blanket and comes over for some wriggling petting, hard rubbing on my hands & purring action. It's a nice way to wake up.
The effects of the medicine seem to be different every time, but I cannot say whether that is related to the dose size, or if it's about my own personal chemistry at the time of taking it, or an accumulation of the effects of the entire protocol up to that point.
Last night was a continuation of this dull ache in my right side, somewhere in my guts. It keeps kind of moving around, so I can't tell exactly where the pain is. It doesn't wake me up, but if I wake up, I notice it for certain, and worrying about it helps keep me awake. I wonder if it's something going on with my surgery scar in there. I had chalked it up before to overeating one day, as there was some gaseous stuff happening in there - maybe there was a mild bacterial infection from something I ate? Keeping an eye on it. Hope that resolves soon.
Feeling a little sleepy today - even though insomnia wasn't anything too out of the normal.
Settling into a new morning routine with Carrie's niece coming over before school. It's helping me wake up a little earlier, which is good. Nusch I think goes out & plays with the kid, then comes back and is reticent to go back out, like seems like she's a little afraid of playing with her too much? Maybe the kid gets a bit too intense or something, I guess? Anyway, so instead she sits on the bed with me and when I wake up she kneads biscuits into the pink blanket and comes over for some wriggling petting, hard rubbing on my hands & purring action. It's a nice way to wake up.
Day 16, dose day
Aug. 27th, 2018 12:24 pm11:15 1/8ts + about half of the 1/8ts, so that's what? 3/16 teaspoons? ha.
Nearly immediate mild anxiety that passed very quickly, followed by relaxation and kind of a buzzing feeling to my skin.
12:20 It turns out that this dose is just on the edge of too high for me. There was a small moment of anxiety when I realized it, but that passed quickly. There is some disorientation, things are definitely interesting to look at, but there is no visual effect, just heightened sense of what things look like. There is no heightened sense of sound, interestingly... Perhaps the only effect on sound is that time seems to be passing a little slower than normal, maybe making me more able to notice things about it? Time definitely seems to slow during dose days, it could be bad, if anxious, but I'm not feeling anxious so it's fine. Having a bit of a harder time than normal typing the words correctly.
1:42 I remembered that I had a kind of sad dream about Carrie's Aunt Sue, who died a few years ago (an event with huge personal importance in our family). In the dream she would have been able to resurrect or somehow her life could go on after death if only we all could have performed some specific ritual correctly. We all did the ritual and it seemed like we did it correctly, but somehow we messed something up and she was lost.
2:21 I have enjoyed listening to music by some of my friends today, and reached out on Twitter to tell them that. I'm glad to know people who make music that I like.
Nearly immediate mild anxiety that passed very quickly, followed by relaxation and kind of a buzzing feeling to my skin.
12:20 It turns out that this dose is just on the edge of too high for me. There was a small moment of anxiety when I realized it, but that passed quickly. There is some disorientation, things are definitely interesting to look at, but there is no visual effect, just heightened sense of what things look like. There is no heightened sense of sound, interestingly... Perhaps the only effect on sound is that time seems to be passing a little slower than normal, maybe making me more able to notice things about it? Time definitely seems to slow during dose days, it could be bad, if anxious, but I'm not feeling anxious so it's fine. Having a bit of a harder time than normal typing the words correctly.
1:42 I remembered that I had a kind of sad dream about Carrie's Aunt Sue, who died a few years ago (an event with huge personal importance in our family). In the dream she would have been able to resurrect or somehow her life could go on after death if only we all could have performed some specific ritual correctly. We all did the ritual and it seemed like we did it correctly, but somehow we messed something up and she was lost.
2:21 I have enjoyed listening to music by some of my friends today, and reached out on Twitter to tell them that. I'm glad to know people who make music that I like.
Day 15, rest day
Aug. 26th, 2018 08:04 pmMice moved into the laundry room from the dryer vent hole that has been a recurring problem. I thought I'd fixed it before but somehow they managed to break the defenses that I'd laid out and get in.
Today we basically tore down the laundry room and cleaned it and scared most of the mice back out the hole. At least one disappeared during this work, so it's unclear if it's still in the house or not.
It was a ton of work, we moved all the stuff out of the laundry room. We moved the dryer itself out onto the back porch and I removed the back panel and cleaned out the machine and made sure no mice were living in there any longer. Then re-fortified that vent hole so REALLY this time, no damn mice can get in through there. This time I used a combination of steel wool and pest resistant foam fill to stop up the gap where they're entering. I think this will finally do the trick.
Mice are filthy as fuck, it's so gross having to clean up after their filth.
We've tried our hardest not to use lethal traps, but they're a persistent problem. It's been at least two years of very bad mouse problems in the house.
There were some tense, grumpy moments during the process, but I think we did okay and kept from really getting super negative.
Today we basically tore down the laundry room and cleaned it and scared most of the mice back out the hole. At least one disappeared during this work, so it's unclear if it's still in the house or not.
It was a ton of work, we moved all the stuff out of the laundry room. We moved the dryer itself out onto the back porch and I removed the back panel and cleaned out the machine and made sure no mice were living in there any longer. Then re-fortified that vent hole so REALLY this time, no damn mice can get in through there. This time I used a combination of steel wool and pest resistant foam fill to stop up the gap where they're entering. I think this will finally do the trick.
Mice are filthy as fuck, it's so gross having to clean up after their filth.
We've tried our hardest not to use lethal traps, but they're a persistent problem. It's been at least two years of very bad mouse problems in the house.
There were some tense, grumpy moments during the process, but I think we did okay and kept from really getting super negative.
Slept pretty well.
Had some intense scary nightmares, but I woke up feeling good and refreshed.
One nightmare had to do with an approaching tornado, it was coming so fast it seemed like we weren't going to be able to get the cats & stuff downstairs.
Another had to do with Twin Peaks mythos.
I was escorting Good Cooper & Dougie to a room where Bad Cooper was to meet them.
Bad Cooper entered with another man and assimilated Good Cooper and Dougie and started doing some indescribable, bad thing to the other man.
I scrambled for the door to escape, but it was very hard, like there was a heavy gravitational pull.
I broke free after much effort, and closed the door behind me, running scared through a series of rooms that started to repeat. I found Nusch and grabbed her, running to save both of us.
I found a way out of the looping rooms and went into a room with a vivid purple floor and New Orleans style architecture and furniture. There was a door to the outside and many windows, it was a sunny, pleasant day outside. There was also a door to an adjacent hallway, and Bad Cooper came through there. As he did, I pushed that door closed and locked it, keeping him out, but alerting him to me being in there.
He stared in trying to find a way in and I was very scared.
I saw a jewelry box with a small eggshaped lump of gold. I put it in my mouth and swallowed it. I found another curious mineral with embedded gold veins, and put that in my pocket for safe-keeping. This act took much of the power away from Bad Coooper, and Nusch and I were able to escape to another place.
Thinking about it, it does seem like a kind of metaphor.
--
Toodled up to the mountains today, had a nice time, even if we didn't find much.
People had dug up some of our good mushrooming sites and one place was completely disgustingly littered with piles of human waste and moist wipes left all over the ground for hundreds of feet, like someone had parked there just shitting all over the place for months. Man people are completely disgusting.
Had some intense scary nightmares, but I woke up feeling good and refreshed.
One nightmare had to do with an approaching tornado, it was coming so fast it seemed like we weren't going to be able to get the cats & stuff downstairs.
Another had to do with Twin Peaks mythos.
I was escorting Good Cooper & Dougie to a room where Bad Cooper was to meet them.
Bad Cooper entered with another man and assimilated Good Cooper and Dougie and started doing some indescribable, bad thing to the other man.
I scrambled for the door to escape, but it was very hard, like there was a heavy gravitational pull.
I broke free after much effort, and closed the door behind me, running scared through a series of rooms that started to repeat. I found Nusch and grabbed her, running to save both of us.
I found a way out of the looping rooms and went into a room with a vivid purple floor and New Orleans style architecture and furniture. There was a door to the outside and many windows, it was a sunny, pleasant day outside. There was also a door to an adjacent hallway, and Bad Cooper came through there. As he did, I pushed that door closed and locked it, keeping him out, but alerting him to me being in there.
He stared in trying to find a way in and I was very scared.
I saw a jewelry box with a small eggshaped lump of gold. I put it in my mouth and swallowed it. I found another curious mineral with embedded gold veins, and put that in my pocket for safe-keeping. This act took much of the power away from Bad Coooper, and Nusch and I were able to escape to another place.
Thinking about it, it does seem like a kind of metaphor.
--
Toodled up to the mountains today, had a nice time, even if we didn't find much.
People had dug up some of our good mushrooming sites and one place was completely disgustingly littered with piles of human waste and moist wipes left all over the ground for hundreds of feet, like someone had parked there just shitting all over the place for months. Man people are completely disgusting.
Day 13, Dose 5
Aug. 24th, 2018 11:17 am11:00 1/8 ts plus a little bit more
Officially half way through this protocol.
No immediate rush, as with some previous doses.
11:15 Find I'm laughing aloud at some things I probably would've merely smiled and nodded at normally. "Normally", curious word.
12:20 Kind of interesting how each dose I take the effects are not really precisely the same as the other times. Today's feeling seems to be generally relaxed, but lifted emotionally. No real elation or agitation. Feel pretty level, but kind of upbeat(?).
I was just reading someone's expression of desperate self-hatred on Twitter, and I felt a lot of compassion for that person, because I am often the same way, but the notable thing was I felt like "wow, I currently don't feel this way, I don't currently hate myself, that's crazy"
1:30 I'm definitely feeling in a good mood.
4:40 The main effect of the medicine passed at 3PM, like clockwork four hours after taking the dose. Some of the effects are lingering, definitely feel boosted from today's good mood, even though I was at work and there's nothing to do. I find myself thinking about the end of the protocol in another couple of weeks, wondering if the effects will actually be lasting. It HAS been notable to feel a good mood and remember what that felt like. I used to have these sometimes! That alone might be the benefit of this medicine, just to snap me out of the self-reinforcing cyclic system for long enough to get a hold of myself. If that's it, then so be it.
Officially half way through this protocol.
No immediate rush, as with some previous doses.
11:15 Find I'm laughing aloud at some things I probably would've merely smiled and nodded at normally. "Normally", curious word.
12:20 Kind of interesting how each dose I take the effects are not really precisely the same as the other times. Today's feeling seems to be generally relaxed, but lifted emotionally. No real elation or agitation. Feel pretty level, but kind of upbeat(?).
I was just reading someone's expression of desperate self-hatred on Twitter, and I felt a lot of compassion for that person, because I am often the same way, but the notable thing was I felt like "wow, I currently don't feel this way, I don't currently hate myself, that's crazy"
1:30 I'm definitely feeling in a good mood.
4:40 The main effect of the medicine passed at 3PM, like clockwork four hours after taking the dose. Some of the effects are lingering, definitely feel boosted from today's good mood, even though I was at work and there's nothing to do. I find myself thinking about the end of the protocol in another couple of weeks, wondering if the effects will actually be lasting. It HAS been notable to feel a good mood and remember what that felt like. I used to have these sometimes! That alone might be the benefit of this medicine, just to snap me out of the self-reinforcing cyclic system for long enough to get a hold of myself. If that's it, then so be it.
Day 12, Rest day
Aug. 23rd, 2018 06:56 pmBig time lack of sleep, due to the fact that I got really sick with cramping intestines like I do sometimes after my surgery. Kept going to the bathroom, coming back & having to get back up in a few minutes to do it all over again.
Really feeling the lack of sleep at this point. Sometimes I can go for a few days of really bad insomnia without a huge effect, but boy howdy, it's been all week and I'm going loopy. Can't really think straight.
Mood isn't in the dumps, though. Carrie & I were goofing around a decent amount today, and I count that as a good sign. Just feel so tired.
Really feeling the lack of sleep at this point. Sometimes I can go for a few days of really bad insomnia without a huge effect, but boy howdy, it's been all week and I'm going loopy. Can't really think straight.
Mood isn't in the dumps, though. Carrie & I were goofing around a decent amount today, and I count that as a good sign. Just feel so tired.
Wednesdays kind of suck these days. They're midway through the week, neither here nor there. More neither though, since there's nothing at all to do at work.
Put in a good few hours standing around doing nothing. Didn't get me down too much.
Wednesday used to be a non-drinking day, but we've been ending up going ahead and slogging it down on Wednesdays because things suck. I hope things don't end up sucking so much that we just drink all week long again.
I'd like to drink less. It's expensive and it's poison. Unfortunately it makes things seem bearable for a very short amount of time, so there's like an incentive to do it.
Things weren't too bad today, honestly... I had a long insomnia event during the night, like I have for the last many nights in a row. That really sucks, but it isn't ruining my whole day, I don't think.
It was a pretty baseline okay day. Nothing got me too far down. Things suck, but hey.
I'd rather things were better, but hey.
I have been enjoying posting to this journal every day. Or almost every day. It's definitely a different mode of expression from Twitter, where I do the majority of my "writing" these days.
Put in a good few hours standing around doing nothing. Didn't get me down too much.
Wednesday used to be a non-drinking day, but we've been ending up going ahead and slogging it down on Wednesdays because things suck. I hope things don't end up sucking so much that we just drink all week long again.
I'd like to drink less. It's expensive and it's poison. Unfortunately it makes things seem bearable for a very short amount of time, so there's like an incentive to do it.
Things weren't too bad today, honestly... I had a long insomnia event during the night, like I have for the last many nights in a row. That really sucks, but it isn't ruining my whole day, I don't think.
It was a pretty baseline okay day. Nothing got me too far down. Things suck, but hey.
I'd rather things were better, but hey.
I have been enjoying posting to this journal every day. Or almost every day. It's definitely a different mode of expression from Twitter, where I do the majority of my "writing" these days.
Day 10 (dose day)
Aug. 21st, 2018 09:17 amDose day.
Slept poorly again, this time due to a pain in my right side. I don't know if it was just intestinal gas or what. Any abdominal pain is worrisome to me now, with good reason. I just picture all these organs and intestines ready to turn rotten at any point. An aspirin ended up knocking the pain back enough that I could sleep, but that side still feels a little bloated and tender this morning.
Carrie's niece, or maybe I should say "our" niece Faye has begun coming over in the early morning before school (the school is just across the street from us) so her Mom can go to work. There something difficult about being around very young people. I can see their whole outlook being formed, and there's an opportunity to be a good influence, but I doubt I can be any kind of good influence. Like, I don't know the right thing to say or whatever. She told a story of her first day in school where a boy put his hand on hers and said "hi" as a flirtation, and she was obviously kind of excited and flattered. I told her something about how no one should touch her without consent, but I have no idea if that was a good thing to say or the right time for it, or if I was the right person to say it. ehh. Glad I'm not a parent, it'd be every day of fucking up some kid's head.
On the drive to work I was thinking about the unreleased final Crook'd Finger album. Wonder if I'll ever get that ready for release. Bunch of fun stuff on that.
10:25 +0.1g? 1/8ts + a little more, maybe a quarter of the little 1/8ts scooper thing
10:30 It's funny how quickly I feel some effects, although somehow it feels like it's been longer than 5 minutes. Slight disorientation, the music sounds extra intense. Everything's just gone very mildly odd. Taking the medicine while at work seems to amplify whatever anxiousness that might manifest.
10:38 Feeling very relaxed. One constant every time I take this medicine is a back and forth between feeling relaxed & either anxious or energetic. Less anxious if I move around & do stuff.
11:00 That "warmth in the chest" feeling that I've noted before is much stronger and more long-lasting this time, along with the relaxation. Kinda just feel like melting into this chair for a while. Happily there's nothing to do at work, so I can.
2:16 Curiously, that warm feeling extended throughout, and continues. I've felt somewhat lethargic, but have been working on some things that need to be done, but don't really have a strict time when they ought be be done, like setting up the new water heater.
Slept poorly again, this time due to a pain in my right side. I don't know if it was just intestinal gas or what. Any abdominal pain is worrisome to me now, with good reason. I just picture all these organs and intestines ready to turn rotten at any point. An aspirin ended up knocking the pain back enough that I could sleep, but that side still feels a little bloated and tender this morning.
Carrie's niece, or maybe I should say "our" niece Faye has begun coming over in the early morning before school (the school is just across the street from us) so her Mom can go to work. There something difficult about being around very young people. I can see their whole outlook being formed, and there's an opportunity to be a good influence, but I doubt I can be any kind of good influence. Like, I don't know the right thing to say or whatever. She told a story of her first day in school where a boy put his hand on hers and said "hi" as a flirtation, and she was obviously kind of excited and flattered. I told her something about how no one should touch her without consent, but I have no idea if that was a good thing to say or the right time for it, or if I was the right person to say it. ehh. Glad I'm not a parent, it'd be every day of fucking up some kid's head.
On the drive to work I was thinking about the unreleased final Crook'd Finger album. Wonder if I'll ever get that ready for release. Bunch of fun stuff on that.
10:25 +0.1g? 1/8ts + a little more, maybe a quarter of the little 1/8ts scooper thing
10:30 It's funny how quickly I feel some effects, although somehow it feels like it's been longer than 5 minutes. Slight disorientation, the music sounds extra intense. Everything's just gone very mildly odd. Taking the medicine while at work seems to amplify whatever anxiousness that might manifest.
10:38 Feeling very relaxed. One constant every time I take this medicine is a back and forth between feeling relaxed & either anxious or energetic. Less anxious if I move around & do stuff.
11:00 That "warmth in the chest" feeling that I've noted before is much stronger and more long-lasting this time, along with the relaxation. Kinda just feel like melting into this chair for a while. Happily there's nothing to do at work, so I can.
2:16 Curiously, that warm feeling extended throughout, and continues. I've felt somewhat lethargic, but have been working on some things that need to be done, but don't really have a strict time when they ought be be done, like setting up the new water heater.
It was a windy & chilly day, sort of proto-Autumnal. We both slept WAY in, like almost till one!
I had wanted to go hiking today, but Carrie had made earlier plans to play tennis with her sister and our niece. It was good moving around and getting vigorous exercise for the second day in a row.
Feels a little melancholy out with the wind & chill, but honestly, it was still a relaxing & decent day. It's possible I'll work on music (mixing & finishing for The DIsappointement Engine) in a little bit after I catch up with social media.
I talked with one of our neighbors in the apartment where the missing neighbor lives, and he didn't know anything. I guess like she's fighting with everyone in that apartment complex. No surprise. Still quite concerning. She's been out of work for a long while due to medical issues so we don't think she's paying her rent & has no money. If she disappeared our guess is that she's either in the hospital or in jail. Yikes. She sure as shit isn't on vacation or something. The windows appear to be open, so if the cats are in that apartment, I presume they'll be able to escape? I hope? Uh. ?
---
I did indeed work on music. It was tough just doing that alone, but I have decided to try to mix & finalize the tracks while listening through my powered monitors, which means I have to route the sound to my USB audio interface. Both Cubase and T-Racks are fussy with the interface, and don't want to play nice. Neither of them will play through it at the correct bit rate, so it's disorienting switching from working on the mix to trying to finalize it with T-Racks because the pitch shifts. But hey - I worked on that stuff! Howbout that! First real heavy lifting work in nearly 6 months!
---
A baby raccoon hissed at Carrie when she went out to smoke, then came up to the door and was being very curious and almost sweet at both of us. I think the parent must have been shot by our neighbor with an air gun - so it's not around anymore. Carrie heard that happen a week or so ago. I wanted to punch my neighbor's lights out for that. I haven't even SEEN them though, so I can't talk to them about it. Weird people. We're weird too, but we don't shoot neighborhood wildlife.
---
Felt a pang of melancholy late tonight, just realizing how much desperate sadness there's been that I've been unable to process, just too much. Felt like it was hanging over my head and I had to do something about it, but couldn't. I feel like it's still hanging up there, Damocles' sword and all that. Maybe I can let it go though? I sure want to just let it all go.
I had wanted to go hiking today, but Carrie had made earlier plans to play tennis with her sister and our niece. It was good moving around and getting vigorous exercise for the second day in a row.
Feels a little melancholy out with the wind & chill, but honestly, it was still a relaxing & decent day. It's possible I'll work on music (mixing & finishing for The DIsappointement Engine) in a little bit after I catch up with social media.
I talked with one of our neighbors in the apartment where the missing neighbor lives, and he didn't know anything. I guess like she's fighting with everyone in that apartment complex. No surprise. Still quite concerning. She's been out of work for a long while due to medical issues so we don't think she's paying her rent & has no money. If she disappeared our guess is that she's either in the hospital or in jail. Yikes. She sure as shit isn't on vacation or something. The windows appear to be open, so if the cats are in that apartment, I presume they'll be able to escape? I hope? Uh. ?
---
I did indeed work on music. It was tough just doing that alone, but I have decided to try to mix & finalize the tracks while listening through my powered monitors, which means I have to route the sound to my USB audio interface. Both Cubase and T-Racks are fussy with the interface, and don't want to play nice. Neither of them will play through it at the correct bit rate, so it's disorienting switching from working on the mix to trying to finalize it with T-Racks because the pitch shifts. But hey - I worked on that stuff! Howbout that! First real heavy lifting work in nearly 6 months!
---
A baby raccoon hissed at Carrie when she went out to smoke, then came up to the door and was being very curious and almost sweet at both of us. I think the parent must have been shot by our neighbor with an air gun - so it's not around anymore. Carrie heard that happen a week or so ago. I wanted to punch my neighbor's lights out for that. I haven't even SEEN them though, so I can't talk to them about it. Weird people. We're weird too, but we don't shoot neighborhood wildlife.
---
Felt a pang of melancholy late tonight, just realizing how much desperate sadness there's been that I've been unable to process, just too much. Felt like it was hanging over my head and I had to do something about it, but couldn't. I feel like it's still hanging up there, Damocles' sword and all that. Maybe I can let it go though? I sure want to just let it all go.
Dose three.
2:30 PM ~0.1g, 1/8 ts -- decided against upping the dose. Cleaning house, and concerned about our neighbor who has disappeared. Her landlord just left a note on the door.
3:02 Pretty swift mood shift for the better. A little warmth in the chest, but no anxiety. I think it helps a lot to be home rather than work. And I think moving around (as I'm doing w/ cleaning) is a big benefit to avoiding some of the edginess that can happen. I'm enjoying feeling the wind from the fan blow on me. I was enjoying hearing the tinkling of the water in the swamp cooler. Feeling okay.
3:30 I think we're gonna go bop the ball around a little bit at the tennis court if no one's already there.
4:15 That was extremely fun. We have no idea what we are doing, but we bought these stupid racquets like 15 years ago and never used them. Carrie and I met in gym class and flirted a lot during the tennis section, so it brings back good memories. I worked up a sweat, feels good. Gonna take a shower pretty soon, but maybe I'll get a hair cut first.
Vision is a little bit weird right now, like light burning into my retinas a bit, and lingering in my field of vision. I guess that's normal, just seems weird. ha ha.
5:23 Feeling basically pretty good. This has been a good day. The main effects of the medicine should start to wear off in half an hour or so if the timing remains the same as it has been doing.
8:05 We went to the brewery to eat at the food truck as we do sometimes. I ended up chatting with a town councilperson and the two owners of the brewery for a while, discussing the town's very good decision to finally get CDOT to install rapid flashing crosswalk hardware, something I've been advocating and griping about for YEARS. I thanked the city councilperson and we all ended up chatting for a good while. Chatting with people at the brewery is, heh heh, NOT NOT NOT something I normally do. So... ? Like is this circumstantial to being happy about the crosswalk situation or that plus the effects of this medicine? I don't know. Anyway, I'm in a pretty good mood still.
10:50 I'd have to say the liklihood of a really good day on dose day seems to be higher than the following two days from my experience.
11:17 Very concerned about the disappeared neighbor though.
2:30 PM ~0.1g, 1/8 ts -- decided against upping the dose. Cleaning house, and concerned about our neighbor who has disappeared. Her landlord just left a note on the door.
3:02 Pretty swift mood shift for the better. A little warmth in the chest, but no anxiety. I think it helps a lot to be home rather than work. And I think moving around (as I'm doing w/ cleaning) is a big benefit to avoiding some of the edginess that can happen. I'm enjoying feeling the wind from the fan blow on me. I was enjoying hearing the tinkling of the water in the swamp cooler. Feeling okay.
3:30 I think we're gonna go bop the ball around a little bit at the tennis court if no one's already there.
4:15 That was extremely fun. We have no idea what we are doing, but we bought these stupid racquets like 15 years ago and never used them. Carrie and I met in gym class and flirted a lot during the tennis section, so it brings back good memories. I worked up a sweat, feels good. Gonna take a shower pretty soon, but maybe I'll get a hair cut first.
Vision is a little bit weird right now, like light burning into my retinas a bit, and lingering in my field of vision. I guess that's normal, just seems weird. ha ha.
5:23 Feeling basically pretty good. This has been a good day. The main effects of the medicine should start to wear off in half an hour or so if the timing remains the same as it has been doing.
8:05 We went to the brewery to eat at the food truck as we do sometimes. I ended up chatting with a town councilperson and the two owners of the brewery for a while, discussing the town's very good decision to finally get CDOT to install rapid flashing crosswalk hardware, something I've been advocating and griping about for YEARS. I thanked the city councilperson and we all ended up chatting for a good while. Chatting with people at the brewery is, heh heh, NOT NOT NOT something I normally do. So... ? Like is this circumstantial to being happy about the crosswalk situation or that plus the effects of this medicine? I don't know. Anyway, I'm in a pretty good mood still.
10:50 I'd have to say the liklihood of a really good day on dose day seems to be higher than the following two days from my experience.
11:17 Very concerned about the disappeared neighbor though.
Rest day.
Things feel insulated, like the part of me that's most injured is sitting in a pillow. Thank damned god.
For the last few days I've been wanting to extend our daily walk an extra block. Carrie's been down with that, happily.
Tonight I went out and looked at the night sky. Drank a little bit of marijuana tincture, but not enough to really mess with my perception.
Things feel insulated, like the part of me that's most injured is sitting in a pillow. Thank damned god.
For the last few days I've been wanting to extend our daily walk an extra block. Carrie's been down with that, happily.
Tonight I went out and looked at the night sky. Drank a little bit of marijuana tincture, but not enough to really mess with my perception.
Protocol, Day 5
Aug. 16th, 2018 09:55 pmThe general consensus of most people i've read doing similar protocols are that the day after the dose is when they see the most benefit. It's hard for me to say, so far. The first dose was pretty euphoric. The following two days felt pretty normal. The second dose was disorienting and a bit melancholy. Today was pretty good, aside from the fact that I was at work and there's nothing to do and I hate my job. I felt like I was rolling with whatever punches there were, which is good. I felt generally OK. I have noticed a certain amount of error-prone-ness, like a bit less of a filter on myself, and a bit less spell-checking. It is possible that this has been a trendline for me for a while now and I'm just now noticing it, or that I'm making more minor errors in communication. I don't know for certain which is more correct.
Carrie did mention that she felt like she was feeling really negative on our walk and I hadn't even noticed. Since I've been so stupidly hypersensitive for the last long-ass time, I think not getting wigged out by a minor, and temporary shift in mood by someone else has got to be a real change in my mode of operation.
Also, I started to wonder about making a plate reverb - which, like... I haven't wondered about doing ~literally anything~ for months.
I also started to investigate getting the trees trimmed, which is something I've felt literally paralyzed about for months.
The thing about my depression when it gets bad is that it completely hobbles me, I can not DO anything. Even if it's just call a few tree places to get quotes - whoa that's TOO MUCH. Things tend to not get done because I'm too much up my own ass to do anything. It's not my fault, but it's bad and I don't want to be that way.
So anyway, I think maybe I'm going to have to chalk today up to one with noticeable changes for the better.
---
Meanwhile, with regard to the dosing day, I am pleased that most of the side effects seem to be confined to the four hour window after taking the medicine.
I have thought about the dose itself as kind of like a slap in the face, and it kind of is, but it's diffuse too. It's like simultaneously a strong effect, and an extremely soft one. It doesn't scare me to be doing this at all anymore. I am unsure whether I'll up my dose next time, if I do it won't be a doubling, it might be just a hair more. I think I'm really close to an optimal dose already.
Carrie did mention that she felt like she was feeling really negative on our walk and I hadn't even noticed. Since I've been so stupidly hypersensitive for the last long-ass time, I think not getting wigged out by a minor, and temporary shift in mood by someone else has got to be a real change in my mode of operation.
Also, I started to wonder about making a plate reverb - which, like... I haven't wondered about doing ~literally anything~ for months.
I also started to investigate getting the trees trimmed, which is something I've felt literally paralyzed about for months.
The thing about my depression when it gets bad is that it completely hobbles me, I can not DO anything. Even if it's just call a few tree places to get quotes - whoa that's TOO MUCH. Things tend to not get done because I'm too much up my own ass to do anything. It's not my fault, but it's bad and I don't want to be that way.
So anyway, I think maybe I'm going to have to chalk today up to one with noticeable changes for the better.
---
Meanwhile, with regard to the dosing day, I am pleased that most of the side effects seem to be confined to the four hour window after taking the medicine.
I have thought about the dose itself as kind of like a slap in the face, and it kind of is, but it's diffuse too. It's like simultaneously a strong effect, and an extremely soft one. It doesn't scare me to be doing this at all anymore. I am unsure whether I'll up my dose next time, if I do it won't be a doubling, it might be just a hair more. I think I'm really close to an optimal dose already.
Protocol Day 4, Dose two
Aug. 15th, 2018 09:28 am9:25
~0.1g, 1/8 ts.
9:30 Mild disorientation, and slight anxiety ramp up. Remembering to breathe and relax. If I do this at work again, I need to remember to take the dose a little further away from caffeine.
9:54 Feel simultaneously relaxed and edgy. On the edge of anxiety, but things are gonna be fine.
10:13 Yeah, things mellowed out. Feeling pretty relaxed now. It's weird how tensed up my body gets all the time. Like I know this, but I need a slap in the face all the time to remember to relax it. Ha.
11:30 A bit of euphoria. Also enjoying looking at textures in the plant, which are much more interesting to look at than the unimaginative art that we make here.
11:45 Also easily distracted by things, just like the first dose. Keep hesitating while on my way to do something. Smells are more intense, which is unfortunate because a lot of things here at work (especially outside) do not smell very good.
12:07 Might go on a walk? Would be better than just wandering around this shithole with nothing to do.
1:30 Immediate effects seem to have mostly tapered off now, same timeline as the first dose. Feeling generally good, but I'm listening to a radio show about climate change and of course that's just a depressing as hell topic.
3:00 Keep thinking about how I haven't made music in a long while, and feeling bad about it, but can't do anything about it right now. Not super melancholy about it like I have been, but it is popping into my head. I suppose I should just go ahead and think about it and not be afraid of thinking about it, like can't ignore it, that's not going to make me feel better.
~0.1g, 1/8 ts.
9:30 Mild disorientation, and slight anxiety ramp up. Remembering to breathe and relax. If I do this at work again, I need to remember to take the dose a little further away from caffeine.
9:54 Feel simultaneously relaxed and edgy. On the edge of anxiety, but things are gonna be fine.
10:13 Yeah, things mellowed out. Feeling pretty relaxed now. It's weird how tensed up my body gets all the time. Like I know this, but I need a slap in the face all the time to remember to relax it. Ha.
11:30 A bit of euphoria. Also enjoying looking at textures in the plant, which are much more interesting to look at than the unimaginative art that we make here.
11:45 Also easily distracted by things, just like the first dose. Keep hesitating while on my way to do something. Smells are more intense, which is unfortunate because a lot of things here at work (especially outside) do not smell very good.
12:07 Might go on a walk? Would be better than just wandering around this shithole with nothing to do.
1:30 Immediate effects seem to have mostly tapered off now, same timeline as the first dose. Feeling generally good, but I'm listening to a radio show about climate change and of course that's just a depressing as hell topic.
3:00 Keep thinking about how I haven't made music in a long while, and feeling bad about it, but can't do anything about it right now. Not super melancholy about it like I have been, but it is popping into my head. I suppose I should just go ahead and think about it and not be afraid of thinking about it, like can't ignore it, that's not going to make me feel better.
