(no subject)

[vuzh]

a few zen / taoist ideas i've been coming back to again and again... trying to use them as mantras.

-- in being noncompetitive you have in all the world no competitor.

-- not looking at the desirable keeps the mind quiet.

-- i am exactly as i should be at this very moment.

-- i create my own world.

-- true leaders are hardly known to their followers.

Comments

[sleepsleep.livejournal.com]

I do not like those mantras. They remind me of my mother's new age hoity-toitisms.

[vuzh.livejournal.com]

if you met me i think the last thing you'd accuse me of being is hoity toity.

they are mantras that help me in some very specific problems that i have.
to be more specific, i have to work very closely with a person with whom i have very deep personal problems.
if i become competitive with her, i begin playing a game that i'd rather not play.
thus, in my opinion i would rather be noncompetitive, and let her worry about trying to "win" the silly game. it's hard to lose if you're not playing.

mantra 2: being desireless. i have a problem with becoming obsessed with women. i decide i like them, then drive myself nuts thinking about them. it's happened in the past, it's never fun, and i don't want anything to do with it ever again. thus my desire to be desireless.

mantra 3: i am as i should be. i have a bad problem with self-hatred. i bastardize myself into depression once a year from thinking i'm evil, when i'm obviously not. i am as i should be is a calming mantra for the times when i'm particularly disturbed.

mantra 4: i create my own world. it's true, and it refers back to the first one. i don't have to suffer at someone else's silly games. if i'm suffering, it's my own doing.

mantra 5: true leaders are not known to their followers. i'm finding it best in my circumstance to withdraw from the competition, and allow bad ideas to out themselves, and what i believe are my better ideas to float to the top as an idea to fix a problem, rather than "C. Reider's Idea if you met me i think the last thing you'd accuse me of being is hoity toity.

they are mantras that help me in some very specific problems that i have.
to be more specific, i have to work very closely with a person with whom i have very deep personal problems.
if i become competitive with her, i begin playing a game that i'd rather not play.
thus, in my opinion i would rather be noncompetitive, and let her worry about trying to "win" the silly game. it's hard to lose if you're not playing.

mantra 2: being desireless. i have a problem with becoming obsessed with women. i decide i like them, then drive myself nuts thinking about them. it's happened in the past, it's never fun, and i don't want anything to do with it ever again. thus my desire to be desireless.

mantra 3: i am as i should be. i have a bad problem with self-hatred. i bastardize myself into depression once a year from thinking i'm evil, when i'm obviously not. i am as i should be is a calming mantra for the times when i'm particularly disturbed.

mantra 4: i create my own world. it's true, and it refers back to the first one. i don't have to suffer at someone else's silly games. if i'm suffering, it's my own doing.

mantra 5: true leaders are not known to their followers. i'm finding it best in my circumstance to withdraw from the competition, and allow bad ideas to out themselves, and what i believe are my better ideas to float to the top as an idea to fix a problem, rather than "C. Reider's Idea ®". i don't have to take credit for everything i do. truth will out.

i hope this clarifies.
they do sound cheesy alone, but in the specific circumstance, they are what get me through every day without slashing my damned neck wide open.

[vuzh.livejournal.com]

then again,
maybe you're right.

when i fell down hard, some things broke inside me.
and it could be that in order to ignore some of the pain, i'm clinging to some flakiness.

however, if the choices are
a) appear flaky
b) go back to feeling like i did a couple of months ago
then i think the choice for me is obvious.